


I'm Fine

by outofbinaryspace



Series: Poems [4]
Category: Original Work
Genre: TW: Suicidal implications, tw: depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-02
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-14 14:55:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29793627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/outofbinaryspace/pseuds/outofbinaryspace
Summary: I wrote this during the summer in which I was isolated from my friends and my partner. I was in a bad place then and it felt like I'd never be able to leave my parents house. I'm okay now.
Series: Poems [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2189946





	I'm Fine

“I’m fine”  
It echoes in their mind   
Say it enough times, it’ll become the truth

“I’m fine”   
They think as tears threaten their stormy eyes 

“I’m fine”  
They feel the cool steel cut into their heart when they realize no one notices or cares   
How easy it would be   
For who would know   
They’re all busy with their own lives  
Live too far to stop them  
How devastatingly easy 

“I’m fine”  
They reflexively repeatedly remind themself   
A mantra, a chant   
That served them well in their younger years 

“I’m fine”  
They shut their eyes  
The tears overflow onto their soft chubby cheeks   
They hug their panda close,  
he absorbs the tears and anguish   
For a moment, they are safe 

“I’m fine”   
Their laptop plays a show they’ve seen hundreds of times   
As they lay trying to sleep  
To silence their own mind  
Sleep ends the day  
Ends the torment, the torture of their existence   
Only for it to begin anew when their eyes hesitantly, regretfully open 

“I’m fine”  
A battle cry   
Just one more day, they think   
One more day and they’ll be okay

“I’m fine”  
They’ve given up hope  
Of any release   
Their partner only sees the them they allow   
Not the them that silently yells, begs to be noticed, to be cared for, to be loved   
He has a busy life, full of enjoyable happy people and things   
What does he need a partner for?   
His friends, his games will replace whatever void they leave behind   
They think as they weigh the bottle in their hand against the weight of the question Hamlet asked so long ago 

“I’m fine”  
The mask fits well   
They deceive and lie through their unbrushed teeth   
To their parents and siblings, they’re simply busy with papers   
To their friends, they’re excited for the next session, laughing at the memes, the jokes they share as the fracture in their heart grows 

“I’m fine”   
How much longer can they survive?  
Only a few strings keep their heart from tearing apart   
They manage to show up for work  
To the games  
To the required family holidays   
All the while, an infection takes root in their splitting heart 

“I’m fine”  
The infection spreads rapidly  
The deeper it goes, the more the mask cracks   
The more tempting the bottle looks  
The more concern they hear when their closest friends asks “are you okay?”

“I’m fine”  
They try to ignore the messages sent from their family, their friends, and their partner   
They try to ignore them  
But they so desperately want interaction  
Desperately plead for their partner, for their best friends to notice   
But the lies were told too well  
The mask securely fit 

“You’re not fine”  
Three months  
Three months they lived so quietly   
Struggling to connect and maintain their relationships   
Struggling to get a job  
Struggling to feel their graduation meant something  
Struggling to decide to swim  
as the demons with their velvety water tongues spoke so approvingly of sinking 

“It’s okay to not be fine”  
Late night and early morning conversations   
With a friend who knew the struggle   
Who gently pushed the mask away   
Who finally realized their friend was drowning   
And gave them a float to pull themselves up 

“You can talk to me”  
They nod, appreciating the gesture   
Their heart is stitched up, the infection gone  
The demons small

“I’m okay”   
They anxiously smile   
“I’m okay”  
Their heart throbs, filled with hope once again   
Able to share the burden that nearly broke them  
Between their partner and their intimate group of friends, the weight felt as light as a feather 

“I’m happy”   
Their partner holds them close as he falls asleep, he whispers “I love you” as they finally peacefully sleep


End file.
